Kotex Caper

The deal was that I could use my sister’s car to practice for my driver’s test if I took her to the store to pick up Tampons. That sounds pretty easy right...? Except Vickie didn't say I was the one who had to go in and purchase this feminine hygiene product. There I was 16 years old hesitantly walking down the Drug Emporium feminine hygiene aisle, full of products for issues I had never heard before. Yeast? That’s what you use to make bread right? “Vinegar?” Wings? "What the hell’s going on" kept echoing in my head. Overcome with my own anxiety induced cramps, I searched the shelves for the this much needed product. My job was simple, “Just get the tampons in the blue box with the bird on the front.” Do you know how many female products came in a shade of blue featuring flowers and seagulls on the front of them? After 15 minutes of torture and brain pain, I made a final selection: A Kotex box, blue, with doves flying through clouds. It was quit peaceful looking really. And hey Doves are birds right? So I grabbed them. I just wanted to get out of there. Suddenly I saw Christina Garcia, the love of my life (Although she didn’t know it) at the end of the aisle with her mother. My heart stopped and I freaked out, my hand frozen holding the tampons! I instantly shoved the box into my “Members Only” jacket. The last thing I needed was the nickname, "man-struate." At that moment, little did I know that the overzealous security guard witnessed this attempted robbery (so he thought).

“Hey you! Kid, come here!” he yelled. I panicked and darted for the exit. Surely I could explain my situation to the guard once I was safe out of the aisle away from Christina. But my running only incriminated me even more. The guard caught up to me and I was tackled to the ground. He dug his hands into my jacket and pulled out the huge embarrassment that was the box of Kotex. His bulged eyes had the “WTF?” expression. I wanted to grab his gun (if he had one) and shoot myself in the face. There I was, lying on the floor, the guard on top of me holding the Tampon box. What a nightmare. Five months later I got my driver’s license and all “charges” were dropped including that of my ego. I got to drive Christina to the movies and all was good. She didn’t even mention the incident maybe she didn’t see me or didn’t have the heart to bring it up. I did get a bit worried when she asked me to drive to Drug Emporium to pick up “something” for her mother after the movie but it turned out to be just Tab and ice. If ma did need a box of Kotex, I surely could have helped her find it. I was now an expert.