Judgment and Complaints don't look good on you. However, you look Beautiful in Appreciation and your ability to Inspire Change...
(motivated by lesson's learned growing up around so many women, young, old, classic, and new generation...)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
WHY YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, WOMEN (or Married to The Woman You want, men)
I found 2 articles from Tracey McMillon. The first is for women, the second is for men. Enjoy and hope you get passed the initial shock of the section titles, because it's not what you think.
FOR WOMEN: The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch. Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow. When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut. Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long. That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar. It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now." You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish. If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough. Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
FOR MEN Well, you want Her, with a capital H. The sexiest, most beautiful, smartest, most resourceful, desirable woman you can get. But that's the problem, isn't it? You can't get her. And here are the reasons why:
1. You're a dick. It kind of goes without saying, women want to be with a guy who is nice to them. (Though the first and probably biggest sign you're a dick is that you don't believe this.) But when you are sarcastic, argumentative, or contemptuous of a woman's lady-ways—the messy friends, the astrology-talk, the big, big emotions—you're not being nice. Even if you open her car door on dates. Being a dick is when you're so self-centered, you think your ideas are pretty much the only worthy ones and you secretly believe other people are inferior to you. Not that you know you think this. Like your female counterpart, the Bitch, you'd rather believe other people just can't handle how awesome you are. And you're right. All that awesomeness sucks, actually. In any case, if you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks and acts just like you, why not start fucking your dude friends?
2. You're a pussy. It's not fair to women that calling a man a pussy is considered an insult. Because we women love and cherish our pussies, just as you do. But that said, you know what's meant by this: You're a guy who is taking it, not giving it. Day to day, this translates to letting yourself be pushed around—by your boss, by telephone tech support people, and of course, by women. I know my gender studies friends are going to get mad at me for saying so, but a whole lotta men (and a bunch of women, too) define manhood by the ways in which a guy is able to "stick it" to the world. I'm not saying that's how manhood should be defined, but I do know this: Being able to draw a (fair, loving) line is a key ingredient in partnering. And the most desirable women have so many options for mates, they're not often going to settle for any guy who can't do that.
3. You're still married to your mom. Ewwwww. Why would I even say something so disgusting? Well, because every man starts life in exactly the same place: inside his mother's body. Okay? That's how important your mom is. You lived in there, and even though you don't remember it, this was a big deal. Then you were born and for the first ten years or so, you were completely dependent on this woman in her twenties or thirties (and you know how these women are, because you're dating them) for everything: food, warmth, shelter, cookies. And this fucked you up. It just did. Even if your mom did it perfectly, which she didn't, you came out of the experience with some quirks at best and trauma at worst. Which is a long way of saying: if you want to stop dating strippers, alcoholics, and/or ragers, you are going to have to work this shit out.
4. You're broke. I've noticed a really interesting thing: Most men magically begin to consider marriage right around the time they become able to afford a wife. Obviously, that's in part because traditionally, wives require money. But, the bigger issue is that a man's money game is indicative of something larger—like his whole life situation. Your money shows your relationship to work, and your relationship to power. And your relationship to power tells whether you're right within. There are exceptions to this, of course: like, you're about to get a Ph.D. in rocket science, or you're a badass community organizer who is about to run for state legislature. But more often than not, if you're over 30 and you're broke, something's broken. And if you want to get respect from women, you are going to need to figure out what it is.
5. You're shallow. This is so obvious I almost didn't mention it. I have an attorney friend who once said he "only dates eights, nines, and tens". When I asked him to give an example of a "nine," he named an actress most famous for playing second banana on Baywatch. Needless to say, if your notion of the ideal woman is the junk-food version of female sexuality, you are not going to be interested in a long-term relationship unless one of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders suddenly decides to marry you. And that's not going to happen. The cosmic joke here, of course, is that the very woman you want only for her boobs, in turn only wants you for your wallet. Which means you guys deserve each other.
6. You're a user. The biggest thing a man has to conquer is himself. But guys who haven't figured that out try to conquer everything around them—business rivals, rainforests, oil-producing nations, and of course, women—which ends up looking an awful lot like exploitation. If you're still using people, places, and things for your own gratification, you're not just a detriment to the world, you're a little boy. (Real estate developers, cult leaders, U.S. senators, and computer barons are a few examples that come immediately to mind.) Using includes hedge-fund pillaging, lying to women in order to control them, and abusing yourself or others—through words, deeds, or substances. (Yes, pornography is a substance.) This isn't about moralizing. It's about being aligned with what is highest in you. And though this is going to get me into a big argument with my philosopher boyfriend about the is-ought problem, I will just say that exploiting people and/or things is not what's highest in a man. Period.
So, there you have it. It's pretty simple, really. In order to get (or keep) a really amazing woman—and why would you want anything less?—you are going to have to be a really amazing man. But you're not even sort of amazing yet. Which means you're stuck dating the women who will take you as-is. And deep down, you know you can do better. You can do better by being better.
Now, I'm not saying that you can wake up next to Kate Upton sometime next year. (She's too young, anyway.)
But what if you met a woman who was adorable and sexy and was herself working on, say, not being a bitch? And let's say that together, the two of you got to practice being better people together, and got to forgive each other when you blew it, and celebrate each other when you didn't. What would happen then?
Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son. Follow her on Twitter.
FOR WOMEN: The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch. Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow. When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut. Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long. That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar. It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now." You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish. If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough. Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
FOR MEN Well, you want Her, with a capital H. The sexiest, most beautiful, smartest, most resourceful, desirable woman you can get. But that's the problem, isn't it? You can't get her. And here are the reasons why:
1. You're a dick. It kind of goes without saying, women want to be with a guy who is nice to them. (Though the first and probably biggest sign you're a dick is that you don't believe this.) But when you are sarcastic, argumentative, or contemptuous of a woman's lady-ways—the messy friends, the astrology-talk, the big, big emotions—you're not being nice. Even if you open her car door on dates. Being a dick is when you're so self-centered, you think your ideas are pretty much the only worthy ones and you secretly believe other people are inferior to you. Not that you know you think this. Like your female counterpart, the Bitch, you'd rather believe other people just can't handle how awesome you are. And you're right. All that awesomeness sucks, actually. In any case, if you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks and acts just like you, why not start fucking your dude friends?
2. You're a pussy. It's not fair to women that calling a man a pussy is considered an insult. Because we women love and cherish our pussies, just as you do. But that said, you know what's meant by this: You're a guy who is taking it, not giving it. Day to day, this translates to letting yourself be pushed around—by your boss, by telephone tech support people, and of course, by women. I know my gender studies friends are going to get mad at me for saying so, but a whole lotta men (and a bunch of women, too) define manhood by the ways in which a guy is able to "stick it" to the world. I'm not saying that's how manhood should be defined, but I do know this: Being able to draw a (fair, loving) line is a key ingredient in partnering. And the most desirable women have so many options for mates, they're not often going to settle for any guy who can't do that.
3. You're still married to your mom. Ewwwww. Why would I even say something so disgusting? Well, because every man starts life in exactly the same place: inside his mother's body. Okay? That's how important your mom is. You lived in there, and even though you don't remember it, this was a big deal. Then you were born and for the first ten years or so, you were completely dependent on this woman in her twenties or thirties (and you know how these women are, because you're dating them) for everything: food, warmth, shelter, cookies. And this fucked you up. It just did. Even if your mom did it perfectly, which she didn't, you came out of the experience with some quirks at best and trauma at worst. Which is a long way of saying: if you want to stop dating strippers, alcoholics, and/or ragers, you are going to have to work this shit out.
4. You're broke. I've noticed a really interesting thing: Most men magically begin to consider marriage right around the time they become able to afford a wife. Obviously, that's in part because traditionally, wives require money. But, the bigger issue is that a man's money game is indicative of something larger—like his whole life situation. Your money shows your relationship to work, and your relationship to power. And your relationship to power tells whether you're right within. There are exceptions to this, of course: like, you're about to get a Ph.D. in rocket science, or you're a badass community organizer who is about to run for state legislature. But more often than not, if you're over 30 and you're broke, something's broken. And if you want to get respect from women, you are going to need to figure out what it is.
5. You're shallow. This is so obvious I almost didn't mention it. I have an attorney friend who once said he "only dates eights, nines, and tens". When I asked him to give an example of a "nine," he named an actress most famous for playing second banana on Baywatch. Needless to say, if your notion of the ideal woman is the junk-food version of female sexuality, you are not going to be interested in a long-term relationship unless one of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders suddenly decides to marry you. And that's not going to happen. The cosmic joke here, of course, is that the very woman you want only for her boobs, in turn only wants you for your wallet. Which means you guys deserve each other.
6. You're a user. The biggest thing a man has to conquer is himself. But guys who haven't figured that out try to conquer everything around them—business rivals, rainforests, oil-producing nations, and of course, women—which ends up looking an awful lot like exploitation. If you're still using people, places, and things for your own gratification, you're not just a detriment to the world, you're a little boy. (Real estate developers, cult leaders, U.S. senators, and computer barons are a few examples that come immediately to mind.) Using includes hedge-fund pillaging, lying to women in order to control them, and abusing yourself or others—through words, deeds, or substances. (Yes, pornography is a substance.) This isn't about moralizing. It's about being aligned with what is highest in you. And though this is going to get me into a big argument with my philosopher boyfriend about the is-ought problem, I will just say that exploiting people and/or things is not what's highest in a man. Period.
So, there you have it. It's pretty simple, really. In order to get (or keep) a really amazing woman—and why would you want anything less?—you are going to have to be a really amazing man. But you're not even sort of amazing yet. Which means you're stuck dating the women who will take you as-is. And deep down, you know you can do better. You can do better by being better.
Now, I'm not saying that you can wake up next to Kate Upton sometime next year. (She's too young, anyway.)
But what if you met a woman who was adorable and sexy and was herself working on, say, not being a bitch? And let's say that together, the two of you got to practice being better people together, and got to forgive each other when you blew it, and celebrate each other when you didn't. What would happen then?
Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son. Follow her on Twitter.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Assholes and Love?
At times I thought that once a girl becomes a woman, and after growing beyond the fantasies and superficial addictions, she will awaken to the fact that nice men are the best men to have. Here's an article featuring a research on why women date assholes! ;)
Click this link: Assholes and You!
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