EX-RATED!

(The names of the exes have been omitted and stories have been combined and generalized and do not represent any one person or persons)

Exes should be called “Y’s” not “X” because after you break up with them the question is more like “whY was I ever with them?”

So you finally find the love of your life. You’re soul mate, well at least a potential soul mate. They are everything you have ever wanted; Brains, looks, and a personality that can charm a scrooge. The relationship is brand new and with it comes the butterflies, the excitement pumping through your veins in anticipation of seeing each other, and your mind is obsessed with their beautiful face whispering to you sweet everything’s…(it’s that way for me at least…)

There we are snuggling, loving, after having the most intimate, passionate, and even raunchy sex I’ll probably ever have with her because the relationship was new and looked promising. There’s just one thing that makes this wonderful union so obnoxious, so potentially threatening, and so irritating to the point that I would consider giving it all up and leaving just to get some piece of mind. This royal annoyance can only be one thing: Her interfering, obnoxious, self-absorbed, wanting to get back into her pants and heart, EX Boyfriend.

“Do you need to take his call now? I ask. “Yes, I’m sorry, it’s just that I needed some information from him, we may be working on some potential project together…” We weren’t even done with the after sex glow yet. Gosh! Ok, first it was a project, then his intrusion was because they had the same friends and it was difficult for her just stop talking to him, then it’s “I can’t just be mean to him,” and of course the absurd, “do you mind if we stop by my friend’s birthday party oh but it’s at my ex’s apartment.” Do you know what it’s like to see your new girlfriend know her way around her Y’s “new” apartment?

This person seemed to creep into OUR lives. To make things worse, of course her “Y” didn’t really like that she was with me, even though they were supposedly “done” with each other both emotionally and officially many moons ago. And I blame one person for this friction, drama, and huge stumps in our relationship. Her! Well, I blame myself for dealing with it really.

I am friendly with all my exes and I respect them. They respect me and they are truly out of my daily life. They especially do not meddle in my new relationships and I would not them. Why would I? And who cares? Just wish your Y well and really hope they are happy.

Secondly if your Y has a problem with you dating someone, then perhaps it’s not over for them. This is even more reason to distance yourself from your Y as to not further instigate hardship for you and your new mate. This is especially true if you want to start something meaningful with you new parnter. Another “Y” of mine actually drove by her Y’s house for some apparent reason behind my back. I found this out much later. But hell, at least he was not bothering us. Wait, maybe he was contacting her and I didn’t know about it? But who cares? It doesn’t matter if you’re hiding your “Y” from your new relationship or you are “keeping it open and real” as in “Hey my Y doesn’t mind if you don’t mind being at the same dinner table, we are all adults here,” it will end up hurting your relationship no matter what!

There’s an evolutionary factor at play here that is set up to protect our emotional, physical, and evolutionary interests. Protecting your new love from an old flame on either side is not about insecurity or jealousy; On the human level it’s about respect and demonstrating to your mate that you are focused on them and are committed to creating something together. New relationships need 100% focus, love, care, and no Y!

If you have kids or are in some other type of situation that is set up for a Y to be in your life, then I say yes, there are exceptions. Either way, respect and give attention to your significant other first before a “Y.” If you are single and without children, there’s no reason for Y to be involved.

I know we are attached to the people we date, especially if it was a long relationship or during a time in our lives that was particularity emotional or influential, but I suggest you stay single or date a lot after you break up with your Y. The point is just make sure your Y is not in the picture in any way. Hopefully you and your Y would be platonic distant friends before you decide to bring a new man into your life.

Otherwise, it’s freaking annoying and will no-doubt sabotage your chance at love. Perhaps you need to examine why she or he is still in your life. Heck, go back with them and try it again, just leave me alone and out of it. Don’t bring in your baggage or just have a small carry on at best. Have some respect for yourself and for your new mate. I know they will love you more for it. I know we men will. But of course I’m just speaking for myself.

Here are some general guidelines to dating when it comes to this subject. Don’t go out with someone who just broke up with their “Y” within less than six months before you. Never start a serious relationship with someone who still is involved with their “Y” as “friends.” Make sure you yourself clean up the “Y” before you go out and find yourself a new serious partner as to not bring your baggage to the table.