"SEXING" CHRISTINA

I dedicated an R&B song to Christina Garcia. I was only 11 and I thought I could get my childhood love to at least like me. My older sister used to listen to R&B music and this one song in particular used to get her and her girlfriends to talk about boys in a way that I wanted Christina to talk about me. Things like “I wish he were here,” “He’s so cute,” “We danced to this song,” and others things I will not mention. So I stole the cassette tape from my sister’s silver boom-box with the huge speakers, put on my Casio watch and headed over to Christina’s house where a few of us from school were gathering for an afternoon. Yes, her mother was home but we were all hanging out in the family room where we could just be kids in private and play Atari. All I could think about is pulling Christina away into the den where the stereo was, play the cassette, and dedicate the song to her. Finally, with enough courage I told her to follow me into the den.

There we were all alone in the den. It was the moment of truth. I inserted the white cassette into the tape deck, pressed play, and said, “Christina I dedicate this song to you.” The song started playing, loudly. Christina looked at me with confusion and embarrassment. I suddenly felt my blood rush through my veins making me dizzy. In comes Christina’s Mother, Mrs. Garcia, “What the heck is going on in here?” she said with urgency. I told her I was just playing a song I wanted her daughter to hear. She quickly ejected the tape, then paused and looked at the tape for a moment. She then started to walk away and said she would make sure my mother got the tape back. Although she didn’t ask me if the tape was mine or not, I guess she realized an 11 year old couldn’t be the owner of such music. She ordered us to go and play with the other kids. After the initial fear subsided, Christina smiled at me from across the room. It was magic. I also remembered that for one moment while Mrs. Garcia held the tape in her hand she had a slight smirk on her face. It turned out that Christina’s mother loved that artist and song. In the end, I scored! Well not in that way, but in a way that was going to live on in my heart for a very long time. It was a scary road I took but I got Christina to smile at me and later I heard her girlfriend say that Christina thought I was “cool.” Sometimes you just have to take a risk, not give a sh*t and go for the one you want. I also realized that no matter the age, most women cannot resist a soulful song dedication. This is the song I dedicated to Christina.

Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing
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Kotex Caper

The deal was that I could use my sister’s car to practice for my driver’s test if I took her to the store to pick up Tampons. That sounds pretty easy right...? Except Vickie didn't say I was the one who had to go in and purchase this feminine hygiene product. There I was 16 years old hesitantly walking down the Drug Emporium feminine hygiene aisle, full of products for issues I had never heard before. Yeast? That’s what you use to make bread right? “Vinegar?” Wings? "What the hell’s going on" kept echoing in my head. Overcome with my own anxiety induced cramps, I searched the shelves for the this much needed product. My job was simple, “Just get the tampons in the blue box with the bird on the front.” Do you know how many female products came in a shade of blue featuring flowers and seagulls on the front of them? After 15 minutes of torture and brain pain, I made a final selection: A Kotex box, blue, with doves flying through clouds. It was quit peaceful looking really. And hey Doves are birds right? So I grabbed them. I just wanted to get out of there. Suddenly I saw Christina Garcia, the love of my life (Although she didn’t know it) at the end of the aisle with her mother. My heart stopped and I freaked out, my hand frozen holding the tampons! I instantly shoved the box into my “Members Only” jacket. The last thing I needed was the nickname, "man-struate." At that moment, little did I know that the overzealous security guard witnessed this attempted robbery (so he thought).

“Hey you! Kid, come here!” he yelled. I panicked and darted for the exit. Surely I could explain my situation to the guard once I was safe out of the aisle away from Christina. But my running only incriminated me even more. The guard caught up to me and I was tackled to the ground. He dug his hands into my jacket and pulled out the huge embarrassment that was the box of Kotex. His bulged eyes had the “WTF?” expression. I wanted to grab his gun (if he had one) and shoot myself in the face. There I was, lying on the floor, the guard on top of me holding the Tampon box. What a nightmare. Five months later I got my driver’s license and all “charges” were dropped including that of my ego. I got to drive Christina to the movies and all was good. She didn’t even mention the incident maybe she didn’t see me or didn’t have the heart to bring it up. I did get a bit worried when she asked me to drive to Drug Emporium to pick up “something” for her mother after the movie but it turned out to be just Tab and ice. If ma did need a box of Kotex, I surely could have helped her find it. I was now an expert.

ON, "TOP" OF GIRLS

I used to call my T-Shirt a “Top.” As a boy, that was so embarrassing.

When I was in seventh grade, I was hanging out with a bunch of boys and I spilled some soda on my T-Shirt. However the words that came out of my mouth were “Oh shoot I spilled some soda on my TOP” The boys looked at me funny. One corrected me, “Your T-Shirt?” Thank god they were clueless about women in general and especially the terminology used for articles of clothing. Since then, I knew I was growing up with girls… and that girls had a whole different vocabulary than I. I was just a boy trying to figure out what the heck was going on… Lesson: Know your audience. J

GIRLS SPEAK CHINESE

Girls have a very unique way of communicating... at least to us men. They can say a thousand words with their silence... Ugh. Sometimes I can't stand it.

When I was a year old my sister (five years older) used to poke my eyes out. Later my mother told me that was her way of communicating and reaching out to me since she didn't know what to make of her new baby brother. Ever since then women have been "poking" my eyes out. Sometimes their way of communicating just "hurts."

Some woman to English translations (Men take note):

1. Pure Silence=This could mean anything but it's usually not good. So be warned

2. "No, nothing is wrong" = Yes, something is wrong and it's our (men) job to find out.

3. "I want to go out with the girls (or dancing)= I've had a long week and I need to feel beautiful and would love some attention, if it's from some men, so be it. (And if she talks about having an Apple Martini as of Thursday night, really look out men, you won't be seeing her on Friday.)

4. "I'm seeing/dating him"=I’m sleeping with him in consideration for a serious boyfriend.

5. "Whatever you want is fine"= We are going to do what I want but I don't want to sound "bitchy" or "demanding" OR, "Make a freak'n decision and offer me some options so I can decide!

Women, just be honest and clear. We can take it. The guy/man will want to give you all that you want if he's worth keeping. Speaking Chinese will only prolong the process of getting you what you want, and will cause men to be so frustrated to the point that they will not want to give you what you want in the end... I experienced the most peace and harmony when my sisters or past relationships were direct and clear with what they wanted. We also got along as a family and with so many siblings, and five of them being female, that was an accomplishment!

(Stay tuned for my Men translation including some of the above 5 sayings)

MANNYCURE

No, I'm not talking about a manicure or about the Dodgers home-run hitter, Manny Ramirez...

Girls, Men can not solve your problems and they can not cure a broken heart, a deficient self-esteem, or insufficient self-value, and "be" your happiness. I know most women may think they do not feel or believe that they themselves need a man...or they may change the word "need" to "want" in order to feel better about their "need" and often futile search for Mr. Right. But a loving relationship begins with a loving relationship with yourself first. In the end, marriage is not a goal or a destination. It's the product of a loving and romantic relationship. It's the result of two people committing to each other and their new creation called "US." Both men and women bring their unique gender perspective and talents that together will sustain a successful union. The paradox however is that both men and women "need" each other. It takes two to support the relationship, to create it, to nurture it, to sustain it's life... after all just like a flower, plant, or human, it is a living organism that continues to grow and bear for you the wonderful fruit of life and love.

My whole life women have been my support, love, and source of happiness. I was raised by five quirky and loving sisters and a nurturing mother. Women are also a source of drama and chaos. But I wouldn't have it any other way… Well maybe with less drama and chaos.