The 5 Stages After a Breakup (Female)

Here’s a snapshot of a more complex phenomena, the 5 stages a female may go through after a breakup.

Stage One: Denial and Despair (D&D)

Shock and fear create a sense of denial. “I can’t believe this is happening to me,” and “This is just temporary, we’ll work it out,” followed by “he’ll come around.” Sadness, a sense of fear, and a ton of other emotions are looming.

Stage Two: Desperation, Panic, and Depression (DPD)

A realization that the break-up is really happening emerges. Efforts to save it kick in. Sadness, crying, depression, and loneliness run high and sponsor desperate behaviors and thoughts. Thoughts: I miss him, I love him, and I’ll never find anyone like him again. I don’t want to be alone. Self-doubt and self blame consumes the female. “What did I do?” “Am I not good enough?” “What could I’ve done differently and what can I do to show him I’m good for him?” The female tries to get him back by doing things for him she didn’t do while they were together. Female remains determined that relationship can be saved but is in panic survival mode.

Stage Three: Anger “F#ck You” Stage

“I am woman hear me roar” is this stage’s motto. Songs like Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive” were made because and for this stage. Female develops a cocky attitude towards her ex (it’s obvious, we can tell). She is tired of “trying” and being there for him without the results she wants – which is to be dating again. Nothing less will do for her. Therefore, “I need him” turns into “I don’t need that loser.”  “I deserve better,” become the alternating mantra for the female and her girlfriends who are now her cheerleaders against the asshole, her ex. Girls Night Out becomes common and dating strange men is more than encouraged by her friends, it’s sometimes planned by them. The dating and attitude provides a sense of confidence. Look for behaviors such as “beginning a workout routine,” “shopping spree,” and or drastic hair change (A Cut or different hair style or both!). More make-up and revealing attire is apparent…and plenty of Apple Martini’s. Female may start to date one particular man continuously or many men to get over her “broken heart," and that "asshole."

Stage Four: Confusion

Thoughts: What am I doing? I don’t feel like myself. I miss my ex, but I like the new guy too. I miss the way we used to be together. We know each other, we have history. It’s not the same with this new dude. Remember ladies, a new guy is on his best behavior (hopefully) in the beginning and comparing that behavior to your ex’s at the end of the relationship may mislead you down a dark path. Female decides to break off the new relationship and decides she needs to date herself (Which is the right thing to do in my opinion).

Alternate Decision from Confusion:

Stage Four: Suppression and Love Bandaid.
Female decides to move forward with the new relationship and suppresses unresolved feelings for ex, good or bad. The relationship will continue until the female is completely involved with a new guy, but will always be sensitive when it comes to that particular ex for which she has not released her feelings.

***Warning: New relationships rarely have the legs to survive since many times it's based on irrational and emotional heartache and the need to feel loved and connected instead of solely on the merits of the new guy and new genuine connection and love.  And besides, it's not fair to the new man not getting a true you without the emotional baggage.

Stage Five: Recovery

After dating herself and allowing herself to mourn and process the break-up, female is a new woman and ready for love in a real way. But the irony is that she doesn’t feel she needs to be in a relationship. In turn, she will become even more attractive to the opposite sex. She promises never to repeat stage four and other stages again after a break-up. (But most do repeat it, it’s inevitable). She will attract worthy potential mates and be in the position to create a wonderful, lasting, and loving relationship.

Personal Statement:

Ladies, mourn your loss, process those feelings and don’t start changing your life. Making drastic changes like going out to bars when you never did and acting out of character to deal with hurt feelings will only leave you feeling lonely, empty, and more importantly not yourself.

Keep as much of your life the same and intact after the break-up. Change, good or bad brings upon stress and anxiety and you don’t want to pile it on when you are most vulnerable. Experiencing a loss can throw anyone into a downward spiral of depression and negativity. It’s best to keep loyal to yourself and do the things you liked to do while giving yourself the time and allowance to feel and work through your emotional journey. Alcohol, acting out-of-character, going out more than usual, and the relentless dating a new guy quickly, could all be signs of acting out and will get you emotionally and physically exhausted. This will make it even harder to deal with remaining emotions and resentment you have for your ex. This will keep you stagnate and unable to move smoothly past your break-up to the life you really deserve.

The last thing you want to do is not be ready for a real relationship because you’re bogged down with leftover emotional crap and don't show up with an internal clean slate. You may even bring a lurking ex which is a huge relationship-killer.  So be fair to your future new wonderful mate you plan to meet. Take time for yourself first to process your break-up without acting out. That is the time to think about your wants and desires, and who and where you want to be. You’ll also learn what you don’t like, what you do like, and how you can be a better version of yourself next time. You’ll thank yourself later for it. And so will the new man! Besides, they say never buy a car or a house when you are desperate for one, you’ll end up making horrible judgments.

Sure, go out, have fun, and live your life. Get the occasional needed attention from the opposite sex by wearing that black little dress you have been wanting to wear that your ex never complimented you on. But don’t lose yourself. Your ex and the emotions are not worth it. Your past relationship can offer valuable lessons for you if you reflect and perhaps a friendship with your ex later down the line (if you desire). So take the time for yourself before dancing to “I will survive,” every night, you’re worth it!

Love and Peace always...

(P.S. I've written the above because I have witnessed it as an ex, as the new guy, and as the female best friend.)

EX-RATED!

(The names of the exes have been omitted and stories have been combined and generalized and do not represent any one person or persons)

Exes should be called “Y’s” not “X” because after you break up with them the question is more like “whY was I ever with them?”

So you finally find the love of your life. You’re soul mate, well at least a potential soul mate. They are everything you have ever wanted; Brains, looks, and a personality that can charm a scrooge. The relationship is brand new and with it comes the butterflies, the excitement pumping through your veins in anticipation of seeing each other, and your mind is obsessed with their beautiful face whispering to you sweet everything’s…(it’s that way for me at least…)

There we are snuggling, loving, after having the most intimate, passionate, and even raunchy sex I’ll probably ever have with her because the relationship was new and looked promising. There’s just one thing that makes this wonderful union so obnoxious, so potentially threatening, and so irritating to the point that I would consider giving it all up and leaving just to get some piece of mind. This royal annoyance can only be one thing: Her interfering, obnoxious, self-absorbed, wanting to get back into her pants and heart, EX Boyfriend.

“Do you need to take his call now? I ask. “Yes, I’m sorry, it’s just that I needed some information from him, we may be working on some potential project together…” We weren’t even done with the after sex glow yet. Gosh! Ok, first it was a project, then his intrusion was because they had the same friends and it was difficult for her just stop talking to him, then it’s “I can’t just be mean to him,” and of course the absurd, “do you mind if we stop by my friend’s birthday party oh but it’s at my ex’s apartment.” Do you know what it’s like to see your new girlfriend know her way around her Y’s “new” apartment?

This person seemed to creep into OUR lives. To make things worse, of course her “Y” didn’t really like that she was with me, even though they were supposedly “done” with each other both emotionally and officially many moons ago. And I blame one person for this friction, drama, and huge stumps in our relationship. Her! Well, I blame myself for dealing with it really.

I am friendly with all my exes and I respect them. They respect me and they are truly out of my daily life. They especially do not meddle in my new relationships and I would not them. Why would I? And who cares? Just wish your Y well and really hope they are happy.

Secondly if your Y has a problem with you dating someone, then perhaps it’s not over for them. This is even more reason to distance yourself from your Y as to not further instigate hardship for you and your new mate. This is especially true if you want to start something meaningful with you new parnter. Another “Y” of mine actually drove by her Y’s house for some apparent reason behind my back. I found this out much later. But hell, at least he was not bothering us. Wait, maybe he was contacting her and I didn’t know about it? But who cares? It doesn’t matter if you’re hiding your “Y” from your new relationship or you are “keeping it open and real” as in “Hey my Y doesn’t mind if you don’t mind being at the same dinner table, we are all adults here,” it will end up hurting your relationship no matter what!

There’s an evolutionary factor at play here that is set up to protect our emotional, physical, and evolutionary interests. Protecting your new love from an old flame on either side is not about insecurity or jealousy; On the human level it’s about respect and demonstrating to your mate that you are focused on them and are committed to creating something together. New relationships need 100% focus, love, care, and no Y!

If you have kids or are in some other type of situation that is set up for a Y to be in your life, then I say yes, there are exceptions. Either way, respect and give attention to your significant other first before a “Y.” If you are single and without children, there’s no reason for Y to be involved.

I know we are attached to the people we date, especially if it was a long relationship or during a time in our lives that was particularity emotional or influential, but I suggest you stay single or date a lot after you break up with your Y. The point is just make sure your Y is not in the picture in any way. Hopefully you and your Y would be platonic distant friends before you decide to bring a new man into your life.

Otherwise, it’s freaking annoying and will no-doubt sabotage your chance at love. Perhaps you need to examine why she or he is still in your life. Heck, go back with them and try it again, just leave me alone and out of it. Don’t bring in your baggage or just have a small carry on at best. Have some respect for yourself and for your new mate. I know they will love you more for it. I know we men will. But of course I’m just speaking for myself.

Here are some general guidelines to dating when it comes to this subject. Don’t go out with someone who just broke up with their “Y” within less than six months before you. Never start a serious relationship with someone who still is involved with their “Y” as “friends.” Make sure you yourself clean up the “Y” before you go out and find yourself a new serious partner as to not bring your baggage to the table.