The 5 Stages After a Breakup (Female)

Here’s a snapshot of a more complex phenomena, the 5 stages a female may go through after a breakup.

Stage One: Denial and Despair (D&D)

Shock and fear create a sense of denial. “I can’t believe this is happening to me,” and “This is just temporary, we’ll work it out,” followed by “he’ll come around.” Sadness, a sense of fear, and a ton of other emotions are looming.

Stage Two: Desperation, Panic, and Depression (DPD)

A realization that the break-up is really happening emerges. Efforts to save it kick in. Sadness, crying, depression, and loneliness run high and sponsor desperate behaviors and thoughts. Thoughts: I miss him, I love him, and I’ll never find anyone like him again. I don’t want to be alone. Self-doubt and self blame consumes the female. “What did I do?” “Am I not good enough?” “What could I’ve done differently and what can I do to show him I’m good for him?” The female tries to get him back by doing things for him she didn’t do while they were together. Female remains determined that relationship can be saved but is in panic survival mode.

Stage Three: Anger “F#ck You” Stage

“I am woman hear me roar” is this stage’s motto. Songs like Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive” were made because and for this stage. Female develops a cocky attitude towards her ex (it’s obvious, we can tell). She is tired of “trying” and being there for him without the results she wants – which is to be dating again. Nothing less will do for her. Therefore, “I need him” turns into “I don’t need that loser.”  “I deserve better,” become the alternating mantra for the female and her girlfriends who are now her cheerleaders against the asshole, her ex. Girls Night Out becomes common and dating strange men is more than encouraged by her friends, it’s sometimes planned by them. The dating and attitude provides a sense of confidence. Look for behaviors such as “beginning a workout routine,” “shopping spree,” and or drastic hair change (A Cut or different hair style or both!). More make-up and revealing attire is apparent…and plenty of Apple Martini’s. Female may start to date one particular man continuously or many men to get over her “broken heart," and that "asshole."

Stage Four: Confusion

Thoughts: What am I doing? I don’t feel like myself. I miss my ex, but I like the new guy too. I miss the way we used to be together. We know each other, we have history. It’s not the same with this new dude. Remember ladies, a new guy is on his best behavior (hopefully) in the beginning and comparing that behavior to your ex’s at the end of the relationship may mislead you down a dark path. Female decides to break off the new relationship and decides she needs to date herself (Which is the right thing to do in my opinion).

Alternate Decision from Confusion:

Stage Four: Suppression and Love Bandaid.
Female decides to move forward with the new relationship and suppresses unresolved feelings for ex, good or bad. The relationship will continue until the female is completely involved with a new guy, but will always be sensitive when it comes to that particular ex for which she has not released her feelings.

***Warning: New relationships rarely have the legs to survive since many times it's based on irrational and emotional heartache and the need to feel loved and connected instead of solely on the merits of the new guy and new genuine connection and love.  And besides, it's not fair to the new man not getting a true you without the emotional baggage.

Stage Five: Recovery

After dating herself and allowing herself to mourn and process the break-up, female is a new woman and ready for love in a real way. But the irony is that she doesn’t feel she needs to be in a relationship. In turn, she will become even more attractive to the opposite sex. She promises never to repeat stage four and other stages again after a break-up. (But most do repeat it, it’s inevitable). She will attract worthy potential mates and be in the position to create a wonderful, lasting, and loving relationship.

Personal Statement:

Ladies, mourn your loss, process those feelings and don’t start changing your life. Making drastic changes like going out to bars when you never did and acting out of character to deal with hurt feelings will only leave you feeling lonely, empty, and more importantly not yourself.

Keep as much of your life the same and intact after the break-up. Change, good or bad brings upon stress and anxiety and you don’t want to pile it on when you are most vulnerable. Experiencing a loss can throw anyone into a downward spiral of depression and negativity. It’s best to keep loyal to yourself and do the things you liked to do while giving yourself the time and allowance to feel and work through your emotional journey. Alcohol, acting out-of-character, going out more than usual, and the relentless dating a new guy quickly, could all be signs of acting out and will get you emotionally and physically exhausted. This will make it even harder to deal with remaining emotions and resentment you have for your ex. This will keep you stagnate and unable to move smoothly past your break-up to the life you really deserve.

The last thing you want to do is not be ready for a real relationship because you’re bogged down with leftover emotional crap and don't show up with an internal clean slate. You may even bring a lurking ex which is a huge relationship-killer.  So be fair to your future new wonderful mate you plan to meet. Take time for yourself first to process your break-up without acting out. That is the time to think about your wants and desires, and who and where you want to be. You’ll also learn what you don’t like, what you do like, and how you can be a better version of yourself next time. You’ll thank yourself later for it. And so will the new man! Besides, they say never buy a car or a house when you are desperate for one, you’ll end up making horrible judgments.

Sure, go out, have fun, and live your life. Get the occasional needed attention from the opposite sex by wearing that black little dress you have been wanting to wear that your ex never complimented you on. But don’t lose yourself. Your ex and the emotions are not worth it. Your past relationship can offer valuable lessons for you if you reflect and perhaps a friendship with your ex later down the line (if you desire). So take the time for yourself before dancing to “I will survive,” every night, you’re worth it!

Love and Peace always...

(P.S. I've written the above because I have witnessed it as an ex, as the new guy, and as the female best friend.)